The Infertility Assistant December 2009 Tip of the Month
Infertility and the Holidays
‘Tis the season to be jolly…or so they say. For couples struggling with infertility, not only are there constant reminders of a season seemingly geared towards children, but added to that stress can be a barrage of inquisitions from friends and family as to your family-building status. This can evoke a host of feelings from anxiety, to anger, to sadness. In order to help reduce the impact of these feelings it is important to develop a game plan. Because each person’s reaction to these emotions is unique, you should develop a plan which works for you. Developing personalized solutions can help you to deal with potential pitfalls and enrich your holiday season.
With the plethora of holiday gatherings and celebrations, you have the right to choose those where you will feel most comfortable. Many office parties and dinner gatherings will be adults-only. You may even decide to host one yourself. While being selective can help to reduce triggers for feelings of anxiety or sadness, sometimes uncomfortable situations may be unavoidable. This can be a particular problem when it comes to family gatherings. If you feel obligated to attend a gathering where you may experience these triggers, the best plan of action is to limit the amount of time spent and prepare yourself for possible scenarios.
When questions arise concerning your family-building plans, prepare to answer in the way in which you are comfortable. Whatever your reply, it is important to realize that even though you may feel you have laid the question to rest, some people don’t seem to take a hint. In this scenario you are well within your rights to decline any further elaboration and move on to a different topic. People often like to talk about themselves, so you might want to begin by asking about recent (or past) events in their lives. Or perhaps, what is the recipe for that delicious green bean casserole? Encountering new parents can also often present a potentially painful situation. If you find yourself cornered, perhaps you could talk with the couple about interests they had before the baby came along. However, if you find the conversation constantly redirected, a break for refreshments may be in order. Preparation for encounters such as these can help to reduce your anxiety and minimize uncomfortable situations.
While it is normal to feel a bit sad during the holidays due to the circumstances surrounding infertility, it is important to not let this sadness become a focal point for your holiday season. One way of avoiding this trap (believe it or not) is through involvement. Volunteering is an excellent way of keeping busy while providing something for your community. While you may feel tempted to avoid all holiday parties, it may make you feel more isolated in the long run. You can and should select festive events to attend which have the potential for raising your holiday spirit. Another way to help minimize feelings of anxiety or sadness is to give to you. Plan a special treat for yourself, perhaps great theatre tickets, a massage, or a special dinner with your spouse. Now may be the time to enjoy that special vacation. If you are keeping a journal, it may help to get some of your feelings down on paper. This can help you to have an outlet and put any issues you may encounter into perspective. Finally, now is the time to take inventory of the things for which you can be thankful. Take stock in your accomplishments, big and small. When feelings of sadness start to creep in, allow yourself some time to grieve but be sure to remind yourself of the great qualities you possess and the gifts that you have.
Faith practices can play an important role in providing an avenue for the lessening of anxieties and feelings of despair for many people. This can be especially true during the holiday season as many faiths celebrate hope for the future. Turn to a leader in your faith community in whom you trust for spiritual guidance. Rely on others in your faith community who have experienced or are sympathetic to your struggle. Prayer and meditation can help to restore a sense of calm. By exploring options your faith community has to offer, you may find guidance to a more peaceful journey through difficult times.
Above all, don’t be too critical of yourself if you struggle with feelings counter to the joy of the holiday season. Feelings of sadness are not unusual for anyone going through a difficult life struggle. Reduce your exposure to potentially negative emotional triggers. Prepare a plan or response for any potentially negative encounters. Keep yourself busy and involved in activities which can provide you with positive experiences. Remember to keep things in perspective as you pass through the holiday season and realize that it is temporary. Your plan is as individual as you are, but the goals are the same: to count the joyful memories you glean, as victories.
Best of the Season to You,
Ann